My Blogs

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http://www.lamarlewis.com/apps/blog

I Love You All :)

11/29/11

Sadness and stillness.
Confusion and swirling.
I float and I fall.
They say "out of the darkness comes the light of day."
I believe that. I've felt that.
But dark dark dark
My heart knows it's own place
Has it's own timing
Runs on it's own schedule
Beats to it's own bleat.

Breath, slow down.
Heart, slow.
Where does this come from? For years now.

Change, soon. I know.
But oh, caught up in the moment of the future. Panging in the present.

No more dark. Stop.
I hear you.
It's as if I've never known anything but blue. Sometimes.
And I comfort myself with the memory of pink. Wrap myself up in gold.
Grateful for green.

It would be so easy to do what I've done.
Just go back.
Bad Seattle. Bad.
You're not even the temptress that NY is.
You're the actual good Truth. Utopic in your good flaws.
Bearable flaws. Safe flaws. Flaws that make complainers smile: "oh, adorable you."

I fear I will arrive skinned and bleeding when I'm dead. And the Others will look on me and be glad of my bravery.
I know in eternity I will soon be glad too. But not immediately. Not immediately.

I will know why I did it but still want to know.

I fight
And fight
And fight
And I just want
To be happy again.
Right again.
Not who I was... I can never be that. I accept that.
But the new happiness. The New Happiness.

The kind that makes skyscrapers gleam
Water sparkle on bright faces.

I better get back to my book.
This tossing oh.
Sweeping down.
Winding up.
And going nowhere.

Daily O 26

Tonight @ 12:57AM:

I am going to be on Broadway.

Daily O 23

Tonight @ 1:

• Perfomed my poem at the Museum of Sex open mic tonight. Very very very well-received. Didn't realize how much I needed the praise. I intend to do it at Nuyorican as soon as possible.
• I am so proud of myself tonight. I am a poet.
• Today is day one of a six-day fast. Just liquids. No sex, including masterbation.

Daily O 24

Tonight @ 11:50:

• Went to a modeling casting call for Manhunt. Not what I had expected. Lackluster.
• Meditation has fully become a part of my diet.
• Proud of myself. For no particular reason.

Daily O 23

Tonight @ 1:

• The interview was a circus. I navigated well. Results pending.
• Wasn't able to afford to buy Legacy business cards. Suspecting Cosmos.
• Prospects abound today: BAM wants to interview me next week for an usher position. Manhunt model casting call tomorrow. And submitted my headshot to New Jersey Shakes for their upcoming tour.
• Noticed that my torso wants to lean right or left when sitting. Also, my head has a tendency to cock to the left since childhood.

Daily O 22

Tonight @ 1:

• Interesting events. I got up and was very motivated to work. I sent out resumes and headshots, responded to casting calls, modeling gigs, administrative jobs. I was on fire. Very proud. Did it with time to spare.
• Spent the better part of the day preparing for tonight's performance of my poem at the Nuyorican.
• Then... Precipitous cosmic obstacles. (1) My train crawled and paused frequently along the way, 'causing me to meet late with Ashley. (2) Though I didn't realize it at the time, I misread our emails indicating where we'd meet. So we both completely missed each other, 'causing me to have to walk there myself. (3) When I got there, there was a sign posted that they were closed for repairs and cleanup due to the past weekend's hurricane. — Completely thwarted.
Which raises the question: Why? — Several speculations. Needless to say, I was very disappointed and disgruntled despite having meditated.
• Ashley and I couldn't even hangout 'cause not 30mins later she got a phonecall from her mother asking for her help and immediate physical assistance. WTF? — If I wasn't supposed to go out tonight, why not make that clear sooner? Why the wasted time and effort?
• Uniqlo interview tomorrow.
• Going to purchase Legacy business cards tomorrow.
• There are huge answers to the day's events. I'm sure of it.