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Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
11/29/11
Sadness and stillness.
Confusion and swirling.
I float and I fall.
They say "out of the darkness comes the light of day."
I believe that. I've felt that.
But dark dark dark
My heart knows it's own place
Has it's own timing
Runs on it's own schedule
Beats to it's own bleat.
Breath, slow down.
Heart, slow.
Where does this come from? For years now.
Change, soon. I know.
But oh, caught up in the moment of the future. Panging in the present.
No more dark. Stop.
I hear you.
It's as if I've never known anything but blue. Sometimes.
And I comfort myself with the memory of pink. Wrap myself up in gold.
Grateful for green.
It would be so easy to do what I've done.
Just go back.
Bad Seattle. Bad.
You're not even the temptress that NY is.
You're the actual good Truth. Utopic in your good flaws.
Bearable flaws. Safe flaws. Flaws that make complainers smile: "oh, adorable you."
I fear I will arrive skinned and bleeding when I'm dead. And the Others will look on me and be glad of my bravery.
I know in eternity I will soon be glad too. But not immediately. Not immediately.
I will know why I did it but still want to know.
I fight
And fight
And fight
And I just want
To be happy again.
Right again.
Not who I was... I can never be that. I accept that.
But the new happiness. The New Happiness.
The kind that makes skyscrapers gleam
Water sparkle on bright faces.
I better get back to my book.
This tossing oh.
Sweeping down.
Winding up.
And going nowhere.
Confusion and swirling.
I float and I fall.
They say "out of the darkness comes the light of day."
I believe that. I've felt that.
But dark dark dark
My heart knows it's own place
Has it's own timing
Runs on it's own schedule
Beats to it's own bleat.
Breath, slow down.
Heart, slow.
Where does this come from? For years now.
Change, soon. I know.
But oh, caught up in the moment of the future. Panging in the present.
No more dark. Stop.
I hear you.
It's as if I've never known anything but blue. Sometimes.
And I comfort myself with the memory of pink. Wrap myself up in gold.
Grateful for green.
It would be so easy to do what I've done.
Just go back.
Bad Seattle. Bad.
You're not even the temptress that NY is.
You're the actual good Truth. Utopic in your good flaws.
Bearable flaws. Safe flaws. Flaws that make complainers smile: "oh, adorable you."
I fear I will arrive skinned and bleeding when I'm dead. And the Others will look on me and be glad of my bravery.
I know in eternity I will soon be glad too. But not immediately. Not immediately.
I will know why I did it but still want to know.
I fight
And fight
And fight
And I just want
To be happy again.
Right again.
Not who I was... I can never be that. I accept that.
But the new happiness. The New Happiness.
The kind that makes skyscrapers gleam
Water sparkle on bright faces.
I better get back to my book.
This tossing oh.
Sweeping down.
Winding up.
And going nowhere.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Daily O 23
Tonight @ 1:
• Perfomed my poem at the Museum of Sex open mic tonight. Very very very well-received. Didn't realize how much I needed the praise. I intend to do it at Nuyorican as soon as possible.
• I am so proud of myself tonight. I am a poet.
• Today is day one of a six-day fast. Just liquids. No sex, including masterbation.
• Perfomed my poem at the Museum of Sex open mic tonight. Very very very well-received. Didn't realize how much I needed the praise. I intend to do it at Nuyorican as soon as possible.
• I am so proud of myself tonight. I am a poet.
• Today is day one of a six-day fast. Just liquids. No sex, including masterbation.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Daily O 24
Tonight @ 11:50:
• Went to a modeling casting call for Manhunt. Not what I had expected. Lackluster.
• Meditation has fully become a part of my diet.
• Proud of myself. For no particular reason.
• Went to a modeling casting call for Manhunt. Not what I had expected. Lackluster.
• Meditation has fully become a part of my diet.
• Proud of myself. For no particular reason.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Daily O 23
Tonight @ 1:
• The interview was a circus. I navigated well. Results pending.
• Wasn't able to afford to buy Legacy business cards. Suspecting Cosmos.
• Prospects abound today: BAM wants to interview me next week for an usher position. Manhunt model casting call tomorrow. And submitted my headshot to New Jersey Shakes for their upcoming tour.
• Noticed that my torso wants to lean right or left when sitting. Also, my head has a tendency to cock to the left since childhood.
• The interview was a circus. I navigated well. Results pending.
• Wasn't able to afford to buy Legacy business cards. Suspecting Cosmos.
• Prospects abound today: BAM wants to interview me next week for an usher position. Manhunt model casting call tomorrow. And submitted my headshot to New Jersey Shakes for their upcoming tour.
• Noticed that my torso wants to lean right or left when sitting. Also, my head has a tendency to cock to the left since childhood.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Daily O 22
Tonight @ 1:
• Interesting events. I got up and was very motivated to work. I sent out resumes and headshots, responded to casting calls, modeling gigs, administrative jobs. I was on fire. Very proud. Did it with time to spare.
• Spent the better part of the day preparing for tonight's performance of my poem at the Nuyorican.
• Then... Precipitous cosmic obstacles. (1) My train crawled and paused frequently along the way, 'causing me to meet late with Ashley. (2) Though I didn't realize it at the time, I misread our emails indicating where we'd meet. So we both completely missed each other, 'causing me to have to walk there myself. (3) When I got there, there was a sign posted that they were closed for repairs and cleanup due to the past weekend's hurricane. — Completely thwarted.
Which raises the question: Why? — Several speculations. Needless to say, I was very disappointed and disgruntled despite having meditated.
• Ashley and I couldn't even hangout 'cause not 30mins later she got a phonecall from her mother asking for her help and immediate physical assistance. WTF? — If I wasn't supposed to go out tonight, why not make that clear sooner? Why the wasted time and effort?
• Uniqlo interview tomorrow.
• Going to purchase Legacy business cards tomorrow.
• There are huge answers to the day's events. I'm sure of it.
• Interesting events. I got up and was very motivated to work. I sent out resumes and headshots, responded to casting calls, modeling gigs, administrative jobs. I was on fire. Very proud. Did it with time to spare.
• Spent the better part of the day preparing for tonight's performance of my poem at the Nuyorican.
• Then... Precipitous cosmic obstacles. (1) My train crawled and paused frequently along the way, 'causing me to meet late with Ashley. (2) Though I didn't realize it at the time, I misread our emails indicating where we'd meet. So we both completely missed each other, 'causing me to have to walk there myself. (3) When I got there, there was a sign posted that they were closed for repairs and cleanup due to the past weekend's hurricane. — Completely thwarted.
Which raises the question: Why? — Several speculations. Needless to say, I was very disappointed and disgruntled despite having meditated.
• Ashley and I couldn't even hangout 'cause not 30mins later she got a phonecall from her mother asking for her help and immediate physical assistance. WTF? — If I wasn't supposed to go out tonight, why not make that clear sooner? Why the wasted time and effort?
• Uniqlo interview tomorrow.
• Going to purchase Legacy business cards tomorrow.
• There are huge answers to the day's events. I'm sure of it.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Daily O 21
Tonight @ 12:30:
• Intentionally didn't blog yesternight. Or vlog. Just wanted to have a different day.
• Very close to getting Legacy business cards.
• Mom was having a bad day. Took it out on me. But thanks to today's earlier meditation, I didn't absorb it or take it personally. Very proud of myself.
• Cadence came over to give mom and dad time to sleep after their first week of parenting. I got to watch and hold her for a while. I love having a baby to hold. For a moment, it was as if she were mine. I just kept showering her with love.
• Things are about to change this week. I just know it.
• I'm so glad that I'm meditating regularly.
• Intentionally didn't blog yesternight. Or vlog. Just wanted to have a different day.
• Very close to getting Legacy business cards.
• Mom was having a bad day. Took it out on me. But thanks to today's earlier meditation, I didn't absorb it or take it personally. Very proud of myself.
• Cadence came over to give mom and dad time to sleep after their first week of parenting. I got to watch and hold her for a while. I love having a baby to hold. For a moment, it was as if she were mine. I just kept showering her with love.
• Things are about to change this week. I just know it.
• I'm so glad that I'm meditating regularly.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Daily O 19
Tonight @ 1:
• Went out for drinks with Ashley at her favorite bar. Necessary. I'm a good counselor. And it makes me love myself better.
• The day went by so fast. Went to the market to pickup some stuff for mom. It's weird: when I step out of the house, I have to remind myself to be myself.
• Didn't meditate. I will before bed.
• Felt amazing today heading to the bar, and I think it had everything to do with my outfit.
• Went out for drinks with Ashley at her favorite bar. Necessary. I'm a good counselor. And it makes me love myself better.
• The day went by so fast. Went to the market to pickup some stuff for mom. It's weird: when I step out of the house, I have to remind myself to be myself.
• Didn't meditate. I will before bed.
• Felt amazing today heading to the bar, and I think it had everything to do with my outfit.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Daily O 18
Tonight @ 1:
• Had sex with a very hot 40yr old. Wow.
• No work on Legacy today. Stormy weather.
• Meditated after sex. I felt called to do so.
• Applied for a few jobs I'd never want to work. Appeasing the mother.
• Didn't use the free tix I won to see a ballet on screen in HD. I thought it was a live performance. — I think I really just wanted to see me win something.
• Wrote a slam poem on love and my husband. Very proud of it, and think I will perform it at the Nuyorican Poet's Cafe on Monday.
• Had sex with a very hot 40yr old. Wow.
• No work on Legacy today. Stormy weather.
• Meditated after sex. I felt called to do so.
• Applied for a few jobs I'd never want to work. Appeasing the mother.
• Didn't use the free tix I won to see a ballet on screen in HD. I thought it was a live performance. — I think I really just wanted to see me win something.
• Wrote a slam poem on love and my husband. Very proud of it, and think I will perform it at the Nuyorican Poet's Cafe on Monday.
Daily O 17
Tonight @ 3:30:
• Bought Legacy domain (golegacy.org). Still have to link it to Wix.
• Just finished watching "Doing Time on Maple Drive". It's been 19yrs since the first time I saw it when I was 11. Still powerful. What a forward program. And gripping.
• Great meditation today. Contacted my angels, and Jesus Christ.
• Sleeping on the other couch now. It's cosmically good to switch.
• I cosmically feel different.
• I love myself.
• Bought Legacy domain (golegacy.org). Still have to link it to Wix.
• Just finished watching "Doing Time on Maple Drive". It's been 19yrs since the first time I saw it when I was 11. Still powerful. What a forward program. And gripping.
• Great meditation today. Contacted my angels, and Jesus Christ.
• Sleeping on the other couch now. It's cosmically good to switch.
• I cosmically feel different.
• I love myself.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Daily O 16
Tonight @ 1:
• Finessed the Legacy website.
• We had an earthquake and I loved it.
• Saw Tyne Daly on Charlie Rose with Terrance McNally. — Wow. Can't wait to work with her.
• Thinking that if I want to skyrocket my life I should just start doing all the things that scare me.
• Proud that I'm on a work binge.
• Finessed the Legacy website.
• We had an earthquake and I loved it.
• Saw Tyne Daly on Charlie Rose with Terrance McNally. — Wow. Can't wait to work with her.
• Thinking that if I want to skyrocket my life I should just start doing all the things that scare me.
• Proud that I'm on a work binge.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Daily O 15
Tonight @ 1:
• My cell phone service is currently off. But I discovered that the wifi still allows me to use the Internet via phone.
• Finished LEGACY website. It looks beautiful. So proud.
• Tanned on the roof today and really enjoyed it. — Susan's right: It's very important for me to be in elevated places connecting with Nature.
• Still befuddled by my relationship with JCrew: I get the catalog in the mail, and I'm drawn to their fashion as a symbol of my success. If I had a vision board, I'd plaster it with some of their images (especially their boots/shoes). But, at the same time, they don't really have clothes in my size. What's that about?
• My cell phone service is currently off. But I discovered that the wifi still allows me to use the Internet via phone.
• Finished LEGACY website. It looks beautiful. So proud.
• Tanned on the roof today and really enjoyed it. — Susan's right: It's very important for me to be in elevated places connecting with Nature.
• Still befuddled by my relationship with JCrew: I get the catalog in the mail, and I'm drawn to their fashion as a symbol of my success. If I had a vision board, I'd plaster it with some of their images (especially their boots/shoes). But, at the same time, they don't really have clothes in my size. What's that about?
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Daily O 14
Tonight @ 1:
• So proud of myself. Completed the outline for Legacy. And also started the website, which is looking good.
• Loving this summer's storms. It's like God is talking just to me.
• Oddly enough, got my second call for a massage within a week. Perhaps I should stop ignoring them. If I get a third, I'll know something is up.
• So proud of myself. Completed the outline for Legacy. And also started the website, which is looking good.
• Loving this summer's storms. It's like God is talking just to me.
• Oddly enough, got my second call for a massage within a week. Perhaps I should stop ignoring them. If I get a third, I'll know something is up.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Daily O 13
Tonight @ 2:
• Taught choreo and wedding dance to Kate & Ming in Park Slope. Heavenly.
• Very proud of that. Made me yearn for something better.
• Watched gymnastics on TV with Nathan on the phone. He truly is my best friend. I had so much fun.
• Still dodging my work. I will do it tomorrow.
• Taught choreo and wedding dance to Kate & Ming in Park Slope. Heavenly.
• Very proud of that. Made me yearn for something better.
• Watched gymnastics on TV with Nathan on the phone. He truly is my best friend. I had so much fun.
• Still dodging my work. I will do it tomorrow.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Daily O 12
Tonight @ 2:34:
• Forgetting to blog. Gotta get back in the habit.
• Vlogging regularly though.
• Sex is my distraction. Devious. Haven't made headway with "Legacy" due to this.
• I'm an uncle. Welcome Cadence.
• I choreographed a dance for Kate Baker & Ming's wedding. Did it in one hour. Its their "couple's dance" and wedding song. I'm honored. The song is "I Will" by the Beatles.
• I feel different. Like a different person.
• Submitted the complete materials to The Public's EWG yesterday. I made the jump. Very proud.
• Forgetting to blog. Gotta get back in the habit.
• Vlogging regularly though.
• Sex is my distraction. Devious. Haven't made headway with "Legacy" due to this.
• I'm an uncle. Welcome Cadence.
• I choreographed a dance for Kate Baker & Ming's wedding. Did it in one hour. Its their "couple's dance" and wedding song. I'm honored. The song is "I Will" by the Beatles.
• I feel different. Like a different person.
• Submitted the complete materials to The Public's EWG yesterday. I made the jump. Very proud.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Daily O 11
Tonight @ 1:50AM:
(Preface: Apologies for the absence of the last 2 blogs. The first one — which was on my Birthday — was intentional. The second was neglect.)
— My birthday:
• Spent it alone in three parks (Madison, Central, and Washington).
• Cheered-up by a homeless gay man named Daniel. We talked about books, favorite Hollywood actresses from the Golden Age, Broadway Musicals and divas. Then he serenaded me with a song from "Follies". It was a good long talk.
• Lonely day.
• Went to James' sex party. Hottest one I've been to in a long time.
• Planning on recelebrating in the future with my Husband.
— Tonight:
• Very productive day.
• Created 5-year Plan, and gained much needed insight as well as perspective.
• Wrote Artistic Statement for Emerging Writer's Group.
• Began daily Vlog.
• Great meditation today.
• In better spirits all around, and think it has everything to do with the acknowledgement of the ending of my Saturn return.
(Preface: Apologies for the absence of the last 2 blogs. The first one — which was on my Birthday — was intentional. The second was neglect.)
— My birthday:
• Spent it alone in three parks (Madison, Central, and Washington).
• Cheered-up by a homeless gay man named Daniel. We talked about books, favorite Hollywood actresses from the Golden Age, Broadway Musicals and divas. Then he serenaded me with a song from "Follies". It was a good long talk.
• Lonely day.
• Went to James' sex party. Hottest one I've been to in a long time.
• Planning on recelebrating in the future with my Husband.
— Tonight:
• Very productive day.
• Created 5-year Plan, and gained much needed insight as well as perspective.
• Wrote Artistic Statement for Emerging Writer's Group.
• Began daily Vlog.
• Great meditation today.
• In better spirits all around, and think it has everything to do with the acknowledgement of the ending of my Saturn return.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Daily O 8
Birthday, beginning @ 12:40AM:
• Laundry.
• Cut & edited "Much Ado" to under an hour. Monopolized my day and night. On to "Othello".
• No meditation.
• Applied for jobs.
• Productive day.
• What will this day be like...? ... I wonder...
What will my future be...? ... I wonder...
• Laundry.
• Cut & edited "Much Ado" to under an hour. Monopolized my day and night. On to "Othello".
• No meditation.
• Applied for jobs.
• Productive day.
• What will this day be like...? ... I wonder...
What will my future be...? ... I wonder...
Daily O 7
Tonight @ 4AM:
• The moon has been my companion this whole week. And we've been having conference every night.
• Woke up in a great mood. Figured out some stuff last night after having re-listened to Susan's reading.
• Ashley took me out to a pre-birthday dinner. Sushi. Then the park. Very good time.
• Was a bit solemn for part of the evening. She noticed. I think it is due to my upcoming birthday.
• Re-listened to Tony's reading before bed tonight. I understand now.
• Going to make a list. And I know what to do next.
• The Cosmos is going to gift me with my own home before this summer is done. And I will work.
• The moon has been my companion this whole week. And we've been having conference every night.
• Woke up in a great mood. Figured out some stuff last night after having re-listened to Susan's reading.
• Ashley took me out to a pre-birthday dinner. Sushi. Then the park. Very good time.
• Was a bit solemn for part of the evening. She noticed. I think it is due to my upcoming birthday.
• Re-listened to Tony's reading before bed tonight. I understand now.
• Going to make a list. And I know what to do next.
• The Cosmos is going to gift me with my own home before this summer is done. And I will work.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Daily O 6
Tonight @ 12:
• Went and saw "The Help" alone. It was fantastic!
• Didn't meditate. Sidetracked. The result of which showed when I went for a walk with my mom this evening. I came back fuming.
• Applied for a job at BAM.
• It's official: No one is available for my 30th birthday. It's like some great big joke.
• Think I might have an idea of what to do next.
• Went and saw "The Help" alone. It was fantastic!
• Didn't meditate. Sidetracked. The result of which showed when I went for a walk with my mom this evening. I came back fuming.
• Applied for a job at BAM.
• It's official: No one is available for my 30th birthday. It's like some great big joke.
• Think I might have an idea of what to do next.
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